So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting