chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The three genders.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time