If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Nothing to do, you say?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Growing up was a huge mistake