“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Duck typos.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?