That time Alicia messaged me
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!