In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
A short story about romance.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna