People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where