Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You Might Also Like
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Autocarrot sucks!
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”