If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
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In banana years, I am bread.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.