If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.