The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Carpe DM
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!