My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
bugs when you lift up a rock
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely