3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
are they though??
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
i smell a pulitzer
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
s
oc
i
a
l
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”