[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I didn’t realize that was an option
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: