If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time