My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
You Might Also Like
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.