I am crying
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[eats all your cotton candy]
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
do what now??
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am