Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!