I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him