My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m Sold!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.