Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
tinder is all about the long game
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”