Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
what could possibly go wrong?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile