Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Fries, not lies.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Guys, I found it.