Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Cause of death: Zumba
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.