Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.