my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
a lot to unpack here
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.