I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.