My sex drive has a dui
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview