He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
#MeanwhileinCanada
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋