High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.