Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
You Might Also Like
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.