[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..