All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
What number SPF blocks people?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.