Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me opening up to someone
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”