Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
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my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Oceanography is all about current events