Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.