when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
You Might Also Like
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Bless you
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
This hospital has everything
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.