It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Phonetics
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Go hard or stay average