Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
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Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.