My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island