Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved