pep talk
You Might Also Like
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.