1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met