If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people