My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
is nasa ok
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.