Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.