I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
You Might Also Like
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
thanks auntie mary
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..