Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
dude it’s called proctologist
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄