Netflix My bladder
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I support this random dude and all his protests
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”