*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off